Five Years

我的头发从不刷,and I always forget to sit with my legs crossed,淑女,很长一段时间,我唯一的朋友是马修·比克尔。On the first day of school,他穿着一件红色的T恤,这在我的同学中引起了激烈的争论。

“马修穿的是女孩的颜色!”Someone says,pointing.

“不是!”he says."It's red,not pink."我班上有些男生点头表示同意。


A stranger's hand breaks through the silence and points to me."She is wearing it,too.是给女孩的!”And the tide turns.

“没错!”they say.Matthew opens his mouth to protest,但他们包围了他。

"Girl color,girl color,"他们吟唱。

那天晚上晚些时候,while our moms discuss the Sunday school lesson plans,马修和我交换衬衫。Mine is a little tight on him,but his fits me perfectly.The color dissolves and soon the fabric is just skin,我的皮肤,男孩的皮肤


Steven Jenkins纤细的,pigeon-faced man,是我最喜欢的老师,因为他把头发扎成马尾辫,即使男人不应该留长发。He teaches art class and reads us Shel Silverstein poems while we push rationed lumps of clay into shapes.我试着把我的灰色斑点变成一首诗,nudging its body into line breaks and metaphors,but it always comes out looking like something in-between.非圆或非正方形。

有一天,I make a hollow person.它有两英寸高,its clay skin stretched thin over where bones would be;the clay allotted to me is barely enough to make a body.Still,它看起来高贵而骄傲,like a figure out of a dream.When Mr.詹金斯当晚把它放进窑里,它爆炸了,catapulting its limbs into my classmates works,rupturing vases and cups and figurines.


Thirteen Years

I check out a book from the school library so often that the librarian notices.

这本书是关于一个叫J的男孩的,他出生于珍妮。His mom doesn't like it at first,但后来她决定无论如何都爱他。I stay up late most nights and reread the book under my covers with a flashlight,想知道是否有人会爱我。


When the hairdresser cuts my hair short,she asks me if I am going to cry.I don't,but the wet strands of hair she snips from my bangs fall down my face like tears.I watch the pillowy mass of hair accumulate on the floor beneath me like water droplets condensing into a storm cloud.Later that night,我盯着镜子里的自己想boy.I am aboy.

Seventeen Years

I buy men's underwear for the first time.它们很松,但不会让人不舒服。When the cashier rings them up,她看了我一眼。

它说,"your place in the world is best defined by how this underwear doesn't fit you,but the women's doesn't either."It says "your body is not a body,这是一个问号。”它说,"you can't fit a belt around an idea."上面说的都是这些事情,只有它出来了:

"Your total is $8.95,will that be cash or credit?"

And I say,“无论我在这具尸体上花费什么代价,只有它出来了:



他们唯一相信的故事就是我一直想穿男士内衣的地方。They wonder who takes them off and what that makes them and what bathroom I take them off in.They ask,"Did you always know?"and I think back to the color red and clay figures and library books and say,"I have never known what it means to be a body."

They do not know what to say to this,所以他们告诉我我出生在错误的身体里,好像外面有个合适的尸体。They tell me this,and I wonder if their souls ever feel homeless,too.

Sam Kissis pursuing a degree in Writing,Literature,and Publishing at Emerson College.2017,he received a National Honor Award in the关于文学的信竞争他的信给大卫莱维汉。Currently,他是青年倡导基金会的实习生,which works to end the school-to-prison pipeline by providing free legal aid to students in need.